So an acquaintance of mine accused me of being depressed the other day. This really surprised me because for one, I have been depressed in my life, deeply, and I am no where near depressed right now. Also because the insight they have into my life is partly this blog. 

Does Matt make me depressed? No. 

Does he frustrate the hell out of me? Yes, yes he does.

Does Adam depress me? No.

Does it frustrate me that he is so damn right for me and of course lives across the country? Yes, indeed it does. 

There is a large difference between wanting something you can’t have and being buried in a deep dark hole of depression. 

When I met Matt I was there, buried six feet under, numb, tired, lost. I was already dead. I was a walking corpse of myself. A shell.

I met Matt and he helped me see so many things I was missing. He helped me have the courage to dig myself out of my hole, to climb up to the light and be who I am. He showed me it was okay to embrace who I am and face myself and accept what I am. 

I love him for what he has given me, and it hurts because I want so much more and know it just isn’t in the cards … 

He has always stayed distant enough that I can’t depend on him to fix everything but he has always been there to help me move forward.

Frustration … yes

I am very frustrated at my poly side. I want something that is VERY hard to obtain. Most things worth having aren’t easy. 

I will find what I want or I will at least live my life open to finding it.

I will not hide in the deep hole I came from.

I will not endure my life as a shell of who I am. 

Depression is no longer an option in my life. I will never go back there.

-A

Just when I think I have him figured out he confuses me again…

So in Rift I help Matt run the guild. He is the leader and I am operations officer. Basically, I run the show and make sure everything is done so he doesn’t have to. Recently, a guy he formed the guild with way back when came back to the game, and I noticed today he was tagged as “leader” as well as Matt. I was surprised by this being he plays very casual and I didn’t expect he would want that kind of responsibility. So I sent Matt a message and expressed by surprise. Matt said he asked and he seen no issue giving him a shiny title if he wanted it. I’m not sure if he though I was upset by it and maybe it did hurt a little because this guy and I don’t often see eye-to-eye. I understood his stance and I accepted it. I was just caught off guard seeing it. Then he told me, “You’re still my girl …” and the rest I can’t remember exactly, because I swelled with so much damn pride that he said I was his girl I about cried. He basically said, it’s just a shiny title and I’m not giving him any power over you.

Fuck!

I never know with Matt.

I’m His girl …

His …

How does he do this to me every time?

-A

So work has been crazy lately. I’ve been having a lot on my plate. I normally work from home so I don’t get to go into the office that often however over the last few months I have been in the office a good bit. One of my favorite reasons for going into the office is seeing my friends. There is one guy I have a bit of a crush on. He’s married (and not poly) so there can’t be anything between us but there is obviously that electric charge between us.  He is a tall, muscular, dark skin, he’s simply delicious, on top of being physically magnificent he is very intelligent, witty, funny and that makes him all the more attractive. I love when we get close during the day.

I had an interesting conversation with him the other day. I told him I was sorry for flirting with him. I knew he was married and it wasn’t really appropriate. He said, it is fine, but asked what my husband thinks. We were alone so I told him the truth. I told him about poly. It’s the 2nd person I know in a day to day basis that I told about being poly and what it means to me. He seemed very open minded about it. It was nice.

Rift has settled down a little. My guild leader posted about giving them a chance to go F2P but not make it pay to win. So we may have life left. Also a few old friends will be coming back with it going free to play. So exciting. 

Matt has been distant still. It kills me, but what can I do? It drives me crazy and even when I try and pull myself away I simply can’t. He is my addiction. I’m in love with him and I can’t help it. I wish I could get past it, but I don’t think I will unless I meet him. There is no way he can live up to my expectations of him. Although, he’d argue that when he does live up to them I’ll be worse off than I am. I really can’t imagine being worse off than I am now. 

Well enough of my issues for today … 

-A

Life has been just a bit blah and maybe even a little overwhelming lately. So much has been going on and I don’t even know where to start or how to feel about half of it.

Rift life … Things have still been a struggle getting people to raid and yesterday things got worse. They are going to a free to play format which means Matt will stop playing. He and I have discussed free to play (F2P) in the past and he is strongly against the format and won’t support a game who “cashes out” with it. What does this mean for me? It could mean, More work for me to run the guild and hope it doesn’t crumble in Matt’s wake, find a guild to join and let mine crumble (and hope I can find one with hours I can do and people I can enjoy. Not an easy task in itself), or just quit playing too. I’m a bit emotionally numb right now because I don’t know how I feel about all this (This also brings up the question about Matt. What will happen with our friendship? Will it endure not playing games together? Is it worth pursuing? Again I don’t know the answer to this).

Home life … Work has been kind of crazy. I’ve been working on a promotion for a while and I work for a corporate 500 company so it takes a time investment. So I’m away from the family more than I like and I miss them. Hubby and I are good but he’s seemed distant lately and I understand he’s feeling a bit overwhelmed as well. His daughter is 16 and recently been rebelling … smoking, sexting, talking to boys she knows are BAD, and we even found a bong in her room recently. It’s been a handful. Plus, we now have a punished, angry, teen to try and get back on track. On top of all that, the family on her mom’s side of the equation recently decided since all this happen to cut her visit down to a week over the summer, further complicating her mood. I love my step-daughter but I know my husband is struggling with how to fix this. Seeing him struggle is hard on me too. I wish there was more I could do to support him.

Polyamory and other partners … There have been a few guys interested lately, but no one close or that in reality I could have a relationship with. Adam I could see myself falling in love with. He is sweet and good looking and we have a million things in common but he lives about as far away as possible and there is really no possibility he’d move closer or I could move toward him so I’ve been keeping my distance. I can’t afford, emotionally, to fall in love again and have it be ill-fated. Matt drained enough of that from me. I get how, if this were different, I could invest more but with how things are it just hurts to love him.

There is also a younger guy who I met in Rift. He is sweet but really too young for me. I like him well enough to be friends with and enjoy his company but he wants more. He also lives across country and little chance it could be anything real. It can be exhausting to try and maintain a friendship when someone is hoping you change your mind and give more.

Wow again echoes back to Matt. I wish he would change his mind and want more for me, but things aren’t different, and he simply may just not want more, like me in the case of this young man.

Matt … I’m not even sure how I feel about Matt right now. He is probably the only men in the world who can make me feel so unsexy so unwanted. I’m normally such a confident person but he strips that all away from me and all my insecurities come out. His lack of communication and silence devastates me. The distance is brutal. If he was close or I could see his face, his look of approval, a smile, it would mean the world to me but I never see him. He hasn’t even sent me a picture in over a year. I was hoping the distance would help lessen the hold he has on my heart, but it hasn’t. I just hurt. I want to be his. I want to be with him. I want to be his favorite girl. /sigh

Overall, I am numb, exhausted, hurt, insecure, overwhelmed, and loved. There are worse places I could be, I could be depressed, alone, unloved. I just feel like there is so much going on I am retreating into myself.

Well I have ranted on long enough this morning,
-A